


The things you discover when loving Even Bech Naesheim

by odair_goes_my_sanity



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Fluff and Angst, M/M, but it's not just about evens bipolar either, i thought there needed to be more honest portrayals of bipolar so i gave it a shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 05:37:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10587543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/odair_goes_my_sanity/pseuds/odair_goes_my_sanity
Summary: He needs you. You just being with him, not judging him and trying to understand is enough for him. Don't be scared for him, he has enough fear of his own, be his brightness and his clarity and his knowledge that he is so much more than this and his life is a wonderful, beautiful thing that he should never feel ashamed of.(Or: The things Isak discovers when falling in love with Even)





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first Evak fic I've ever written and I'm quite nervous, this is different to how I usually write so I hope it's okay. I've seen this kind of format used in other fandoms and I love it and I thought it was something that would work well with Even. This is also the most self indulgent thing I've ever written, like I've completely projected all my symptoms onto Even, but I thought it was important that I don't shy away from the grittier not as romanticised and talked about aspects of bipolar. But there's also lots of sickly fluff, so I hope it's a good balance!
> 
> Trigger Warnings : portrayal of bipolar - including mania, manic anger, hinting at psychotic/hallucinogenic symptoms  
> Referenced Self-Harm - I wrote this meaning skin picking/scratching, but reading it back it could be misunderstood/interpreted as something more like cutting so I just want to give a warning in case anyone's triggered by that. It's in the section towards the end about Even's anger, so feel free to skip that section if you're easily triggered.

~ **He hums**. A lot. You find it endearing most of the time, it grates on your nerves more often than you like to admit but it makes you smile when you need a reminder that he's still here with you, living, breathing, yours. He does it with whatever he's doing, subconsciously, most of the time. You point it out sometimes, with a laugh and a _'you're doing it again'_ , and he smiles back at you, eyebrows raised as if he thinks you're lying to him. He apologises, but less than a minute later he's doing it again. Soon you notice that it's not just humming. He makes these strange noises with whatever he's doing, a loud shout of surprise, or deep long sighs when he's bored, lots of _dums_ and _dododododoos_ as he's drawing. You ask him about it sometimes, and he just shrugs it off with an _'I'm a loud annoying person, deal with it'_ , until one time you ask again in the early hours of the morning as you watch him draw while you lie down in bed. He puts his pencil down and turns towards you, eyes not quite able to reach yours, _'I can't handle the quiet, it just makes my head so much louder. And it- it scares me, because I start to think of things I can hear but I know that aren't there, and it's like a pressure in my head, saying that I need to make sure there's never quiet so other people don't feel awkward, or drift into their head as much as I do. It's just, it's like a tether you know? Keeping me outside of my mind.'_

Only when he finishes does he ever look into your eyes, and there's so much vulnerability and pleading of _please understand me please understand me please understand me._ You grab his hand and pull him towards you. Since loving Even Bech Næsheim you've started humming a whole lot more. 

~   **The Internet can only tell you so much**. You don't want to reduce him to his illness but you don't want to hurt him by being oblivious either. But there are seven billion people in this world, with seven billion different brains, and the Internet is a wonderful thing, but none of these articles are Even, and you just have to wait and learn. Sometimes his swings and episodes are catastrophic, there's shouting and screaming and begging and seeing things that aren't there, and then there's deafening silence, numbness and tears that are being shed unknowingly to him because he's stuck in a haze of not feeling quite here, but still feeling too much. But sometimes they're small, only lasting a couple of days. And they don't seem too bad- I mean yes he talks a mile a minute, and he's passionate and confident and ready to try anything, but it's exciting and fun, and almost unnoticeable- until he crashes and you realise that you missed it, and that sometimes his ups aren't cliches and you might miss them, but the effect of the fall is always the same. You can't find anywhere on the Internet where they tell you about that yet.

 

~   **He's scared**. The world is uncertain, life is uncertain, but for him, everyday is uncertain too. He's stuck in a cycle of waiting for his brain to let him down, and it's tiring, and it's not a way to live, so he tries to stop. But there'll always be that voice in his head when you make plans weeks in advance of _maybe I won't be well enough, maybe I'll ruin everything, maybe I won't be able to stop it. Maybe it will make you leave me._ And he's scared when he's manic, or hypomanic, in the lead up where he still knows who he is. Because they don't tell you this online either, or in the pamphlets, because most of the time people are too ashamed to admit it- but sometimes there's nothing he'd rather be than manic. He's creative, he's happy, he can do whatever he wants, everything he's been meaning to do gets done, life is brighter, it all makes sense- the world is brimming with possibility. But again there's that voice, saying w _hat if it goes further? What if you lose control?_ And another, louder voice going _who cares who cares who cares? The longer this lasts the further away the crash is._ And it's terrifying knowing that as soon as it ends, the world is going to get so dark so quickly, and his life will halt for days, weeks even, and there's nothing he can do about it. He's scared. He needs you. You just being with him, not judging him and trying to understand is enough for him. Don't be scared for him, he has enough fear of his own, be his brightness and his clarity and his knowledge that he is so much more than this and his life is a wonderful, beautiful thing that he should never feel ashamed of. 

 

~   **He has a fear of birds**. It makes you laugh for days when you find out, Even Bech Næsheim, walking Disney princess and lover of everything, is scared of birds. You find out one summer's day when you leave the window open in Kollektivet and you walk out into the living room to find a pigeon staring you down. You notice that Even's tensed up behind you but you don't think much of it until the bird moves and he lets out a sound you'd never even dream would be possible of coming out of his mouth and it stops you in your tracks as you turn towards Even, a look on your face of judgement and disbelief. He doesn't see it though because his hands are covering his eyes and he, Even Bech Næsheim, king of cool and suave, is cowering over a bird. It's your favourite discovery about him so far, and one you use to your advantage more times than a loving boyfriend probably should. 

 

~   **He is more intelligent than he'll ever realise** , and he needs you to remind him of how truly brilliant his brain is. He is the most creative person you've ever met, winding stories and art out of ordinary things people like you wouldn't even notice. He's so talented that you almost find it unfair, he writes, he draws, he acts, he films and directs- he's a creator and you're in awe of him. It's important you tell him that, because he's more insecure than you realise at first. Each drawing he shows you, is a glimpse into his sight, each poem is a segment of his mind, each performance is a wonder of who else he could be- each creation is a vulnerability that he's showing to you, asking _is it okay, is how he is is okay, is his mind okay?_ And it is. It's brilliant and unbelievable, his creations bring light to your life, but not as much as his smile does when you tell him what you think of them. 

 

~   **He has strange habits that sometimes become rituals**. You don't completely understand them yet, but they're just things he does. Like tapping a certain rhythm on a certain door frame every time he goes underneath it, or rinsing his water bottle out three times every time he cleans it, or if someone touches his arm, he has to tap the other one so it's symmetrical. He doesn't even realise he's doing it most of the time, he just does it. But sometimes when he isn't quite sure what his brain is doing, they become rituals that have to be done and he becomes obsessed. He has to have his food on different plates, and he has to rearrange his bookshelf so the books are alphabetical, or colour coded or sorted into genre, depending how he's feeling. The dishes have to be done a certain way and every surface has to be tapped. You worry that it means he's becoming manic, sometimes it does, but more often than not it's just one of those days and its one of those things that makes him Even. There's not much to be said or done about it, you just indulge it for a day (he doesn't want to be a burden and he doesn't want you to do anything for him, just don't comment or make him feel like he's silly) and that tends to be all that he needs.

 

~   **Family is everything to him.** He grew up surrounded by love, and at first you find it difficult, but he knows this and he would never want to make you feel bad, so he won't nag you about joining his family for dinner, or to attend family events or to spend more time at his house. But you discover having you under his roof is his favourite thing, having everyone he loves in the same place creating a hub of safety and laughter is all he wants in the world, and soon you realise, you love it too. You love the bustle of activity, the delighted squeals of his sisters as he comes through the door, the smell of food being cooked. It's like some American film that you always thought was bullshit, but here he was belonging to this family, and it's real and he wants you to be a part of it. 

 

~ **He is the most affectionate drunk you've ever met.** You'd never tell him because he shouldn't drink too much, but Drunk Even is your favourite thing. He's even more vibrant and energetic even though you never thought it was possible, but your favourite part is the compliments. And not because you're egotistical, but because of the insight into his head that they give you, he calls you words like brilliant and incredible and words with so much weight. He compliments your smile, but also your compassion and laughter and all the things you're insecure about, and you love it because it's so Even, he sees the things that no one else does and he is so kind, and you have no idea what you did to deserve him. He whispers his love into your ears but also his secrets and promises that are laced in adoration, he confesses the life he wants with you, _he wants to live in a house that feels lived in, that feels safe and like a home, he wants five children- three girls and two boys- he wants to bake with them, play cops and robbers with them, take them on adventures with your dog, that the family collectively decided to call Romeo because of course, your children will have taste and Romeo + Juliet will be a family favourite_. He wants a family and love and a life with you. You have that confession on repeat and it's your favourite sound in the world.

 

~   **No matter how much his rage scares you, it scares him more**. This is the part of his illness that the Internet shies away from, but so does Even because it's the part of himself that he hates the most. See when you read stories and articles they paint images of mania where people run through the streets naked, believe the government's filming them, buy extravagant things and do things without thinking of the consequence. Which is true. But what they don't tell you about is the fear, the paranoia, the anger. Because sometimes that's all mania is, there's no passionate desires to create art or sing, sometimes the confidence turns into arrogance and entitlement, and it's ugly and fierce. It's thinking that he deserves things, that he's so much better than the people he's surrounded by that just simply don't understand him, it's a _yes I am handsome, a yes I am clever and talented, you don't need to tell me, I already know._ It's his speech becoming more passionate, but not in the way you're prepared for, it's not thinking of the world's brilliance and brimming with creativity, it's swearing and angry rambling and _who the fuck do they think they are?_ 's and _I don't care what they think, I know I'm amazing_.'s It's becoming fixated and obsessed with an idea and the blind rage that follows when things don't work out in the straightforward way his brain tells him it should.

When he's like this he wants everything to be loud, he wants his music to be loud, his movement to be loud, he wants to be loud, he wants _you_ to be loud. And you haven't worked out yet what's better for him, whether you should walk away and let him stew in his own anger in the hopes that he'll calm down, or whether you should shout back, let him scream with everything he has and tire himself out. It's hard, because if you leave it doesn't get rid of his anger, you'll return to broken furniture, maybe a hole that's been punched in the wall, or in the worst cases, to his skin being opened because he needs to focus on something and the repetitive action of scratching calms his mind, and the pain feels good. And it kills you to see him hurt. But then if you stay, he shouts and he screams and he takes pleasure in focusing on your weaknesses and causing you pain, he knows where to hit you where it hurts and how to get a reaction. He wants a fight, that's all he wants. He feels like his brain is exploding and he just needs noise, he's in so much pain and he wants it to stop but he can't shout at his own brain, but he _can_ shout at you. And you would take this option every time, rather you get hurt than him, but after this, remember, comes the crash. And he'll remember what he said to you and it will kill him, more than any scratches on his arm ever will. He already feels like he doesn't deserve you, but after what he says he'll be inconsolable, refusing to take your reassurances, he'll feel like he isn't worthy of anything.

After this is the closest you've ever got to losing him. Because he feels lost, his rage is the worst part, it's when he completely loses himself, he doesn't recognise who he is and he hates it, it disgusts him how can say things he never means- except in that moment he does mean them and it terrifies him. He's the most genuine person you've ever met, he's kind, he loves being the cause of people’s happiness, he loves compliments and smiles and loyalty- none of that is fake, this anger isn't his real feelings boiling over, it's- well that's the thing, he doesn't know and you don't know, it's just something that happens and you need to work it out together.

 

~   **It hurts.** That's something you can't find online either and can't work out yourself. Sometimes Even can't work out what's going on, whether he's going up or down, he just knows he doesn't feel right. Sometimes he feels the mixture of the two and it hurts. He describes it like a pressure, as if there's someone inside his brain kicking and screaming, it feels like his head is pulsing and expanding and it's going to explode. And he doesn't know what to do with himself, he wants to scream and cry and punch something and close his eyes and never open them again. You've discovered that he loves it when you play with his hair, and stroke his scalp and show him love. When he feels like his head is on fire, you know now that it calms him when you caress his head and kiss his temple, not too much that you overwhelm him, just enough to get him out of his head and distract him until the pain passes. And it will, it always does. 

 

~   **He loves you with everything he has**. This is something that takes you the longest to discover and start to believe, not because he held back but because you couldn't understand how someone like him could love someone like you. But you understand now. He's not perfect, you know his insecurities and fears and faults, and you don't love him despite them, you love him including every last part that makes him him. You wish he didn't have to be in pain, that his life wasn't so hard, that he didn't get overtaken with a rage where he doesn't know who he is- you don't romanticise his faults, but you don't ignore them either, he does deal with these things, but it's okay because you always make it through and it's always temporary and he's soso worth it. It can be difficult, but then every relationship is. Maybe your issues aren't as common as other couples, but then again you've discovered that you and Even have never been a conventional couple. You're epic, you're incomparable, you're eternal. And that is the most important discovery of all- that you're in love. _You're in love you're in love you're in love._

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! Kudos and comments are always hugely appreciated.  
> Come scream about Skam with me on tumblr : @finnivkodair (S4 today!!!!!!)


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